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Even after concluding that my feelings for Max were a mere crush...
I still feel like running away and hiding from him.
I still tuck my head from his sight,
Gasp at his presence,
Shake and quiver from his acknowledgement of my existence,
Despise his sweetness,
... But I don't like him, maybe it's just my exboyfriend-phobia syndrome, (no, we never dated!) it happens when I try to forget someone, usually my exes.

I still get stupid fantasies in my head, I wish they would go away already.

I should have never, ever, ever spoken of him to my friends, their support and silliness has poisoned my mind with more of that torturing false hope.

Why is it that I keep wishing for him to approach me, but shudder at his friendly affection?
Why is it that I am angered by his ignorance?

So what if he's my type, he has many flaws!


Just like a silly crush, my feelings for him will be degraded to mere friendliness; my only wish is for them to do it quickly!


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I managed to mentally prepare myself at friend zoning Max, I am so proud of myself!

I managed to figure out his physical traits which I don't like in guys (I don't know about his personality, so far it seems good to me).

I don't know how, but I did it, and just in a nick of time, too.
"Want to go for a walk? Or is your dad picking you up?" Max messaged me

Follow the three minute rule, Lucky...
1 minute is long enough!
"Sure" I messaged back.
An hour later he snuck behind me (I could see his reflection, so nice try, mister!)
He was wearing glasses...
Aha! Another turn off!!!

I can't even bring myself to think of him as cute, so it WAS a physical attraction, a crush!

While we were walking down the hill, Max said:
"The reason I hang out with you is because you see me as a friend... The same way I see you as a friend" Max said.

Back to the friend zone talk...
.
I nod, "Yep! That's why I hang out with you, too! I mean everytime I hang out with a guy friend and hr starts showing me any sign of affection, I just get repulsed!"

Beautiful job, Lucky, you cut the romantic string just before your heart could cross over it. Wonderful! I am so proud of you!!!
Good job!
Now you don't have to tell him hoe you felt (past tense) towards him and end this wonderful this one that you have worked so hard on! Lovely.
Just lovely.
... Of course I am a little disappointed, but this is important!

He is an amazing guy, which is exactly why you didn't want to risk it.

What have I learnt?
That as unbelievable as this may seem, there may be plenty more guys like him out there, and ones who may actually find me attractive.

*sighs in relief*
High five, fairies.


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*Nervous*

Going to catch up on everything I've missed so far, the quiz went terribly wrong! Oh well,my fault.


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The dream

I had several dreams which unfortunately I cannot recall due to the fact that I had gone into deep sleep several times.
The one which I do remember; was quite scary and bizarre.

It took place in a mall, around the afternoon; my mother and I had decided on watching a movie together at Ciniplex (correct me if I'm wrong at spelling the name).
Unforunately my mother's debit card was empty, so we couldn't buy the movie tickets, my mom sent me to a near by bank (TD) to get a special slip which allowed us to purchase the tickets on certain conditions.
When I got to the bank, it appeared closed, but there were two regullarly dressed men, one sitting behind a desk, the other standing infront of him, who didn't seem like they were allowed to be there; but I chose to come up to them anyway and ask for the slip.
As I was explaining to the man who was sitting behind the desk what I was looking for; he was putting on a face mask, then a second one; he shot a smile at me and pulled out a shot gun.
I screamed.
The second man already had his mask on, I sprinted out of the bank as they started shooting who knows where and shouting "This is a robery!".

I ran away from the mall and ran into Max (this is the third time in a row that he's in my dreams), I cried in his arms and told him what happened.

I woke up.

What a boring day.

Strange dream...

Dream fairies, why are you doing your job so sloppily?!
I found myself down town, entering a building that looked similar to the one in the U of T campus (probably for the pharmacy students). It was dark outside, so I took a step inside and found out that the building is actually humongous!
And I loved it.
The walls were either made out of glass or iron, there were first-class civilians everywhere, and waiters all dressed neatly in black and white.
I hopped into an elevator and pressed 7, glancing around and shooting polite smiles at those near me. The lighting was awful, it was so dim, but I guess it's the hotel's way of saving energy.

Ding.
The door opened and I hopped out.
The walls were made out of iron it steel to give the hotel residents some privacy, but since there were small round windows on each door; it looked like we were in a submarine!
I stepped inside my room, again; it appeared larger than what was on the outside.
My brother (Light) was sitting on the bed, which was covered in yellow sheets, he was playing on a laptop.
Ok, how about I look for mom and dad?

I stepped outside into the hallway, My head bumped against somebody's back.

I glance up apologetically; "Excuse me..."

"Hey!" the man shot a goofy smile at me, his eyes glittered in delight.
"Max? What are you doing here?"

He turned around, around noticed that he was wearing a striped shirt with a v-neck which exposed only a small portion of his chest and his collar bone, and he wore his casual jeans.

"Your parents bought me a ticket to come along" his goofy smile spread.

"That's lovely'" I smiled back, glancing at the room number on his key, which I presumed was on the other end of the hallway.

Typical, of course my parents made sure that he was no where near me... Why was Max coming along, anyway?
I walked past Max and made my way down the stairs to the second floor in search for my parents, who were still nowhere in sight.
Then, there was shouting, followed by the sound of bullets scraping the air and hitting the metal elevators. The shooting was coming from the bottom of the stairs leading to the first floor.

The civilians, dressed in either suits or elegant dresses, quickly spread to the sides in panic, giving out a large cry for help.
The shooting and the shouting has resumed, this time there were more bullets coming our way and from different places now. I realized that we were being ambushed and allowed my eyes to search for the ambushers, found them...

They were either men or women, dressed in 1920's attire. The men looked like the classical gangsters while the women were just some elegantly dressed gals.
(this is when it gets silly).

Fly.

I mentally ordered myself. My body lifted off into the air, my vision was clouded with pink aura, and my hands were wrapped with pink plasma bolts.
I tossed the plasma bolts at the gangsters, hitting some of them, missing the rest. Luckily my plasma bolts don't damage the environment.

The gangsters scattered in retreat, but I wasn't finished with them. I flew after them and shot down each one, when I knew that I was finished; I landed in the main floor; which was wrecked...
The glass windows let the early morning sunshine in, lighting up the front lobby. The tropical plants were destroyed, there were bits of wood and glass on the floor. My eyes surveyed the damages.

"Lucky!" a familiar voice called out to me, I turned around, "Max?!".

Max was walking up to me, his posture appeared strong and dominant, but his wounds suggested otherwise; there was blood coming out from his nose, a scratch across his left brow, his face was slightly bruised, and... He was missing a left arm.

"Yeah I got involved in the fight and I lost my arm" he raises it, exposing the flesh and bone, then he quickly caught his left upper arm (what was left of it) and lowered it so I wouldn't see the flesh anymore. "Sorry, I don't want you to get all grossed out" he said, I could hear a sense of self consciousness in his voice.

I grabbed on what was left of his left arm with my left hand, pulled it towards me, surveyed the wound, then I raised my right hand towards it. My hand began to give off a pink aura.

As I was healing him, I looked back up to survey his face, this time it looked less beat up, and his charming smile had returned (you'd expect the guy to look surprised by the fact that I even had super powers, but I guess he's already used to weirdness if he was trying to fight off a goddamn mafia ambush).

I shot a smile back, wondering why does he always try to seem brave. Then I looked back at his left arm, which was slowly growing back; "Lucky, you don't have to do this..."

"shut up." I retorted, still focusing on healing his arm.
The elbow has now formed, now the lower part on his arm, here comes the wrist... Now his hand was forming, then the fingers started growing and taking shape.

Once I was finished, Max pulled his left arm back to check the results, he was pleased.
I don't recall how I got to another hotel, but what I do know is that it was a cottage this time, and quite large, too. My mom had rented it and I got a pretty large room on the second floor, the first floor had a spa and clinic, one of the women who worked there had offered to give me a skin treatment for free. I accepted the offer because I wanted my skin to be in a better condition.

I happened to run into Angel, who was sitting in the clinic, my father was standing beside us as we conversed; "I hate my hair, it's so long and damaged, see?" I showed Angel my hair, then I glanced at hers, which was much longer than mine, it reached her butt!

"I'm okay with mine, feel it." she said, and so I grabbed it: it was so golden, thick and healthy.

"Wow! It's so healthy! I'm so jealous!" I looked at her, she smiled modestly.

Later on, I stepped outside of the cottage and walked towards the grassy beach, I could see a boat leaving the shores on the other end of the land and heading towards a scary island/giant cave of another.
I got a text, it was from Max: "I'm heading off, sorry I couldn't say goodbye properly. :("

I texted him back "Where are you going? You still didn't get your haircut!"

"Of course I got a hair cut, I'm in the army, and right now were heading off into a cave where the terrorist are."
My heart dropped, I was about to text him back but then my father woke me up in reality.

Okay, first of all, what the heck was that, Dream Fairies?! Second of all, I'm sensing layoffs! So run, run!


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Writer's Block: Karaoke Time

"I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me" - Paparazzi ~Lady GaGa

"You rock my world you know you did, and everything I own I give" Rock My World ~ Michael Jackson

"Made a wrong turn, once or twice, dug my way out, blood and fire. Bad desicions, that's alright, welcome to my silly life" F***in' Perfect ~ P!nk

"It's time to lose your mind and, let the crazy out (Ooout, this place about to-) Tonight we're taking names cause, we don't mess around (This place about to blow)" Blow ~ Ke$ha

"I watch it all change, take the news of the day and throw it away, time will kill all the pain" Life Won't Wait for You ~ Ozzy Osbourne.

I have a weird taste in music, I know.

Mob the explorer!

I woke up after dreaming of Max, I don't remember the dream and I don't wish to.

After I got photos taken for my citizenship, I texted Mob for a confirmation that he is available today, unfortunately I had received none but still chose to go downtown.

I just needed to get away from it all.

The thoughts of Max were rushing through my mind, anger made my blood boil.

I just needed someone to be there for me, to take my mind off of him.

Forget about him.

“Where is he?” I muttered to myself in anger, sitting beside a large window inside Tim Horton’s.

12:56 PM and still no reply.

I texted my best friend Victoria for comfort and attention, then I called her; telling her about my emotional distress,  apparently she’s in a similar position (her crush hasn’t contacted her or responded to her at all) and our conversation ended with inappropriate curses directed at the opposite sex.

Mob texted me to see if I was still up for the meet-up (Of course I was!) then he began to panic that I was already down town.

He showed up an hour later (at 2:56PM) and begged to find out how long I have waited (3 hours), at least he apologized.

*sighs* I can never be too angry with him.

We hung out at the U of T campus, and then went out to eat;

We had some pretty nice conversations; he would make me laugh, I would ask him about the meal, and everything was going fine until Mob suggested that next time we hang out, I should go with him to this other restaurant he knows at North York, then added “You can bring Max”.

My smile faded;

“Stop.”

He paused, probably realizing that he crossed the line.

I don’t remember what happened afterwards, we just went on discussing other things.

“If this was a date” Mob said around the end of our supper, “then it would’ve been a good one”.

I smiled at him, he’s right; it would’ve been a perfect date.

Max.

My eyes got teary.

“I want you to tell me what’s wrong” He leaned over the table to look into my eyes, which were directed at my legs.

“I just... I just wish I was doing this with Max” I looked up at him, I could feel the blood rushing into my face.

His gaze fell down, I sensed that he might’ve been actually offended.

I didn’t mean that.

Later on I told everything that had happened today to Victoria over Facebook, I realized that I really might have hurt Mob’s feelings.

I really didn’t mean to do that.

I felt so stupid for crying over what he said

and so rude

I'm a terrible friend.

Mob was there for me and the first thing I say after having a good time is 'I wish you were somebody else'? What the heck is wrong with me?

I’m going to apologize to him tomorrow”

Damn right I am!

Then we hurried back to catch a bus and headed to the subway. We separated at the terminal station after warm hugs and I sprinted towards my bus, jumped out of it at my station, and sprinted back home.

I arrive home at 7:13PM.

My teacher decided not to show up today, huh.

Oh right, she said she couldn’t make it today from the beginning.

Silly me...

I messaged Max, just like Mob has suggested (he explained that some guys don’t follow ‘the rule’ and simply assume that the girl is not interested because she never calls) but Max didn’t seem to be interested in the conversation at all!

He didn’t ask me about my day or anything.

Nothing.

No more “Hey Lucky, how are you? J

None.

Zero.

I pray to Mother Nature to speed up the evolution and make men smarter, PLEASE!

Same goes to you, G~d.  


*The image/s used above does NOT belong to me, all rights and credits are reserved to its proper owner/s!*

Why, hello there.

Journal Entry March 26 2012

Why, hello there.

I was woken up in the morning by my father’s shouts, he demanded that I would run down the stairs quickly, and so I did. He handed me the phone and I found myself speaking to a female banker, who was asking me “What is your inquiry?”

“I don’t know...?” I arched my eye brows, staring at my father for some answers.

“...Then why did you call us??” The banker’s tone of voice exposed confusion, uneasiness, and a hint of irritation. I don’t blame her, it’s 10 AM in the morning.

“Why did we call them?” I whisper to my father, who quickly retorts “To demand for an explanation to why you’re still not allowed to use the money you’ve deposit-“

“I wanted to know why I still can’t use the money I’ve deposited last week.” I finally say.

The lady explained to me how it takes about 5 days for the system to process the money, and that the day of the deposit doesn’t count as one of those 5 days. She also made me set up a password, and once I did, I’m sure the lady thought I was a bizarre girl; but my password has its secret meaning. The password was to be used to confirm my identity whenever I called the bank for some reason.

I ate my breakfast, and headed towards school:

So the first thing I did once I had arrived to school; was head to the Guidance Office, where officer Gary, who was to take my statement and file it to a detective, was going to interview me. The detective was responsible for getting a more detailed report later on this week.

Officer Gary showed me the picture of “him” and I confirmed that it was in fact “him”.

I did a little sulking afterwards, because seeing ... his... face shook me up.curled up and upset

BadBoy, the thought of him sickens me.

His ugly facial features consisted of dark piercing eyes, rough skin and bushy eyebrows, tobacco stained yellow teeth, such a villain!

Apparently he left the country with his family, so the cops can’t do anything about him until he returns.

I couldn’t focus during my math test afterwards.

Mo was there for me as I was heading towards physics class. As I approached him, he was saying goodbye to HArdy, followed by “I love you.”

Hardy paused, looked back at Mo with a weird-ed out facial expression, and said “I love you, too?” before he headed into our physics class. I giggled, hugged Mo, and filled him in with what has been happening. He offered to help me catch up with what I missed in my English class. He’s so nice J.

After school, I headed to the mall, turned on my phone, and prayed that Max would message me.

As I took my sip of my French Vanilla coffee, my phone vibrated.

It’s him.

Max:  “Hey, how are you?”

I text him back right away: “I’m okay, thanks for asking. How about you?”

Stupid, you should’ve followed the 5 minute rule.

Max: “I’m good, I’m at the library and...*continues telling me about something random*”

I am smiling like a complete idiot right now.

Stop smiling.

Having your crush message you first is not an excuse to be smiling like an idiot.

Stop it!

I stuffed my phone into my pocket and decided to head to the library and sneak up behind him; “How is the comic book, geek?”

                Since I enjoyed blabbering around him, and he knew that very well, he decided to take me to the mall (since the library wouldn’t allow us talk). We hung out in there and he told me a few things that made me admire him even more.

But why do I get scared when he tells me things that a girl should find as... you know... appealing?

Maybe it’s because I’m not ready for it yet.

No, my little tinker fairies, I am just not attracted to him that way, it’s pure emotions and a little bit of the physical traits.

We somehow ended up in the super market, which was quite on the Asian theme, at some point we ended up feeling chicken nuts (Yuck!) and Max was more than eager to find some Cow balls to observe.

As we were about to head out of the store, Max said “Once I get my pay check, we are so going to eat at an Asian restaurant.” (Can’t remember if he said “We’re going to” or “I’m taking you”)

Is that an invitation?

“Only if it’s Chinese!” I declared, “Or Sushi...” I added, remembering that he loved sushi.

He confirmed wanting to eat Sushi.My mother later on reminded how I hated sushi, but true love has unlimited love for dinning out!

We headed to a furniture store, where we crashed at a couch, he discussed High school with me, the one that I go to, NewtonStar.

“Newtonstar? Oh god, I used to go there...” A man, lying on a couch that was positioned beside ours, exclaimed lazily, “Like 20 years ago, I used to lead the school, the gangs, the rock bands...”

Max and I turned out heads to look at the stranger, he was an adult in his mid to late 30’s, blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes, with a little daughter prancing around for attention. Max and the man began to converse, I listened eagerly, enjoying to learn more about the man and Max.

The man was a cop, he got into an accident and now he is taking things “slowly”, Max always wanted to be a cop, but his colour-blindness got in the way.

They both liked roleplaying, and had great interest in armours...

Oh gosh, silly boys.

“Don’t you ever marry a Jewish girl!” he warned Max, my eyes widened in offense. “No offense if either of you is Jewish, it’s because...” he continued blabbering.

The man’s wife showed up with the man’s son, apparently she took the child to a hospital because he caught a virus; Max signaled me that it’s time to head out; and so we exchanged our goodbyes and walked away.

The things that happen when I’m around Max, it’s bizarre!

I hung out with Max until 6 PM, then he headed home to make supper, I was picked up by my parents and told them about Max’s indirect way of inviting me. They were a little angry over what Dennis did and so they thought it was more than reasonable for me to hang out with a true gentleman, Max, and so they gave me permission.

I hope he really meant it when he mentioned going out to eat Asian cuisine with me, and that he didn’t accidentally say that because he was in a mood.

He better ask me out properly.

pissed off

It better be a date.

It better end well.

It better lead to something amazing and special...  *cough cough* a romantic relationship with him *cough cough*

Oh well, Dream fairies, time for me to head to bed. Behave and do your job properly! People like a good dream every now and then.


*The images used above do NOT belong to me! All proper credits belong to the proper owners!*

A date, a meal, and a twist.

Mrs. Frog set me up with her son, Dennis, for a date after the photo-shoot (which went awfully wrong, the ladies who were responsible for picking me up actually did so an hour late).

I ran into my adopted sister, Stacy, and her newly-wed husband; whose name I can never recall and will forever hold my peace until somebody will mention it. Stacy appeared delighted by my presence, and so was I. We tried to catch up and I tried to tell her all I could about Max, but she was too busy and apparently, she had to shop for a birthday gift for one of her friend’s upcoming birthday party.

                Once the main photo shoot was over, most of the people parted their ways, I somehow caught myself in the position of being responsible for the disk which reflects sunlight at the object (in this situation, the model, Mrs. Frog), while the photographer took pictures for her portrait. Turns out, the photographer lived in Israel for quite a few years!

Once the photography session was finally over, Mrs. Frog and her friends decided it would be nice to take a stroll around the city, as did I. In fact, I thought it would’ve been the perfect opportunity to get to know Dennis. As it turns out, so did Mrs. Frog.

Mrs. Frog, along with her friends, decided to act half dead and ditch us (I have no idea where they decided to go instead), all I know is that here I am; walking with a very shy and timid looking boy, Dennis.

The conversations were mostly started by me and here is a list of things I managed to find out about Dennis:

  • He loves gaming, he claims he’s trying to quit it.
  • (Insert possible hot-headedness trait here).
  • He obviously has a smoking addiction; he claims he’s trying to quit that too.
  • He likes snowboarding.
  • Snowboarding is the reason why he broke and misplaced a few bones in his body.
  • He doesn’t have much of a life, currently (Thanks to his gaming habits).
  • He’s not doing too well in school.
  • He’s interested in psychology and software engineering.

There is another thing that I have discovered about him, but that should wait until the end.

In the restaurant, I catch him snickering at a man who appears to be a dwarf (with all due respect, the name of the condition escapes me, I did not find his condition humorous at all!). I roll my eyes at Dennis and then say “Be right back” before I speed to the bathroom.

This is a common habit that I have formed because my nose tends to be runny very often, so I have to go and blow it (and fix myself up) before spending time with someone.

                I enter through the bathroom door, and a person which appears to be male, is standing in front of me, washing their hands.

“Oh my!” I exclaim, before peeking out the door to check the sign, “This is the women’s washroom...”

“I’m a girl.” The person corrects me.

My face heats up, “Oh, I’m sorry, it’s... the hair...”

I quickly speed into the bathroom stall in a feeling of guilt, blow my nose and wait for her to leave before stepping out of the stall to check my appearance.

                I return to the table, continue dining with Dennis, who claimed to be enjoying his meal, and then end it with “We need to hurry up, I have a math tutor coming over at seven.”

Dennis glances at the time, “We have plenty of time.”

It was 4:30.

Nope...

Once we arrive to the parking lot, as instructed by his mother, who claimed she’d be back in a few minutes, we waited for quite a while, I offered Dennis some gum, and leaned against a stable and conversed with him.

At some point I realized that he was standing closer than expected of him, and out of the blue he asked;

“Want to make out?”

“No!” My body said in a reflex.

He stepped back, “It’s because I’m single and...”

“I-I don’t make out with people that I’ve just met... I make out with my boyfriends” I justified, arched eyebrows and heart racing.

Stupid response, I know, but I was panicking!

I tried to keep the conversations going, but deep inside I was weird-ed out and completely disgusted, not to mention how freaked out.

 As soon as Mrs. Frog showed up, I felt relived. She dropped me off at home and I sprinted into my house to call Victoria.

The rest of the day was dull, I spent most of it feeling angry about Max friend zoning me (still?), about Dennis making a move, and being chased around by my neighbour.

My mother was surprised after she had heard what had happened with Dennis, her only question was “So does that mean you’re not going to date him anymore?”

I responded in disgust “No!”

“That prick” she replied.

At least Victoria was kind enough to cheer me up, “Forget that horny guy, you have Max <3 and you’re an awesome girl so you can have any guy you want <3”.

Oh Vicky, you have no idea what an awesome friend you are.

Angel also listened to my whining, and she advised me to casually turn Dennis down the next time he asks me out, be honest and simple; “You’re just not my type.” Is what I’m supposed to say to him.

Tomorrow I have a math test, a quiz in physics, and an interview with the cops.

Oh, my dear pixie-dust keepers, when will this get any better?

Goodnight, sweet dreams, don’t let the dark fairies get to you!

The image used above does NOT belong to me, all rights belong to its proper owner.

Modeling

Those long and painful hours of standing in high heels for a long duration of time in an awkward pose have paid off for me in several ways:

1) My crush, Max, has finally noticed me and now we're friends.
• the down side of this is that my hormones are telling me to pounce him 99%
• My legs become unresponsive around him.
• the 1% is when he comes up to me, that's when my brain is telling me to run.
• stupid legs...

2) Everyone else gave me a little attention, even my ex-bullies.
• the upside of this is: I get the last laugh this time.

3) other companies seem to want me to model for them as well.
• potential jobs and a way to make cash.

And last but not least..
4) dates.

Today this one designer that taught me to sow skirts, lets call her Mrs. Frog, tried to set me up with her son. She asked for my phone number and also invited me to tomorrow's photo shoot.
All of this happened during a wonderful concert, which my mother forced me to go to..
I hope her son will call me to ask me out, because Max really needs a wakeup call and realize that he has competition...


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